when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
