This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
