A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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