I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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