despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
he fucked my hip out of place.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
