Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Randomize
