Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
