You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
