Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
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This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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