I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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