i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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