I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
ttyl tear gas
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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