why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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