remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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