it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
