That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
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He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
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He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
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