I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
