and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
