I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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