He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
