having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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