He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
