She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
