I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
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I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
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What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Holy sore nipples Batman
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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