then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
