They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
