I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
