He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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