Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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