Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
