apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Randomize
