Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
