you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
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