i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
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I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
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I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
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