Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Randomize
