my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
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