Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
