I got chris browned last night
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
