Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
