Pappa wants mamma naked
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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