if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I'm both gender and math confused
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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