You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
