This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Randomize
