i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize
