im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
