just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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