Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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