I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
