I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
