I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
where are my eyebrows?
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
