we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
