Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
he just fucked me for my cheese.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
