I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Only a mothe r could love this liver
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
