the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Randomize
