i don't like sucking hair
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
